Love Is A Behaviour...Feelings Come After The Behaviour.

The above title was taken from the 5 languages of love. And I felt that it was appropriate that I continued to add on to the previous two articles which I wrote based on this great book.

In the book, it is said that love is a behaviour and it is this behaviour which creates the feeling. Yes, Love is a type of behaviour and choice that you make, and this choice would create the feeling of you being in love with the other person.

It is true that there is a feeling of being in love. Scientifically, it is proven that during the "In Love" period, three neurotransmitters of your brain are highly active, namely Adrenaline, Dopamine and Serotonin. These three work together and gives you a natural high, thus, the feeling of being "In Love".

In this period of time, you see all the amazing things about your other half. And when you do see something which is wrong/not right, the phrase "love conquers all" comes into play.

But, the key thing to note that these reactions in the brain lasts for about 18 months. Following which, all the amazing things which your other half was doing suddenly seems to irritate you alittle. And all the things which were wrong/not right, suddenly seems to be sooooooooo WRONG. The way he sits, walks, talks. The way she answers, eat, sleep. Everything that you were "blind" to in the past, are now a pain in your neck.

For some, it is earlier, some later. But the important thing to note is that, you can't rely on chemical reactions to keep a relationship going, just as you can't rely on enhancement drugs to better your performance in sports.

So, how do you sustain this relationship?

The key word which I have learned would be COMMITMENT.

And it has to start from the beginning of the relationship, to the day that we die. It is about commitment.

E.g.
"Will you stand by _______________, care for her, hold her in the highest regard and die with this love you have for her untarnished in your heart?
Will you stand by _____________, care for him, hold him in the highest regard, and die with this love you have for him untarnished in your heart?"

As you can see from the above example of a wedding minister's script, it boils down to asking the wedding couple to make the decision about their holy matrimony.

And for this decision to last, it definitely takes COMMITMENT.

Yes, commitment to say that there is only this one way. Commitment to say that I WILL, MUST AND SHALL make this relationship work. Commitment to say that all the things which I do shall contribute towards making the relationship better and stronger...until I die.

I am glad to say that, I have had the fortune of seeing relationships around me becoming stronger and stronger over the years, because of the same commitment both parties have for each other and their relationship.

However, I have also seen relationships breaking apart simply because one or both parties have stopped committing to making their relationship work. They, so to speak, "forgot" about this commitment they have made and replaced it with other more important things.

Well, if you were to ask me, is there really the ONE for you out there? Well, my answer would be...You make that person you love, YOUR ONE. It is your choice. And if your other half has also made the same choice, then, I am sure your relationship would be great and grow through the years. This same commitment that you both have, is the ingredient to making each other, THE ONE.

However, do be careful of your choice. :) Do not foolishly commit to a relationship when you already sense or know that your other half has one foot out the door.

That's the end of this long article. :)

Well, I do hope to hear from you about your comments or questions. Please leave a message. BTW, please also register on the right. I will have more articles soon.

Cheers!
Ken

Back..and boy, do I feel great.

Dear friends,

guess who's back. :)

Well, really sorry that I hadn't been able to upload any articles over the past month or so due to work. I hope that all is great going in your life.

A little update on my side. Was busying running camps after camps, and I am really really happy that the past weeks have gone so smoothly. Thanks to all the great staff and resources for making the trip so memorable. :) You are the best!!!

Now that I am back, it is only right that I make some changes to my blog and to update it. :) Thus, the first change you would notice is that I have changed the background to something of the lighter shade. Hope you like the simpler design.

Now, my first post after my absence.

I would like to write a bit more about the 5 languages of love again. :) Yes, you heard me.

Why? You may ask. Well, reason being, I have experienced the benefits of this book personally through my one month's time overseas. And those who I have shared the book with have only good comments about it. I even had a friend who messaged me from Indonesia (after I am back) that he is getting a great deal of value out of the book and thanked me for introducing him to it.

So for today, I hope that this little article would convince you to go get the 5 Languages of Love by Dr Gary Chapman.

The Language Of Love at work/school.

Some of you may be wondering, "Wait a minute, Ken, what does the language of love have to do with work/school? I am not in love with anyone in my office/school."

But the truth is, Language of Love is not just for love relationship between spouse, couples and lovers. It is for ALL kinds of relationship. Between friends, colleagues, peers, employer/employer, acquaintance, relatives and family members. That relationship can be called "love" too, only at a different level.

So, between you and your colleagues/schoolmates, it can be said that you have a relationship with them, and this relationship is based on "love".

And if it is based on love, then, the languages would definitely apply.

At work, the importance of understanding the languages is of utmost importance if you want to create a condusive working/studying environment that is productive and effective. And if you are holding a leadership role as a project leader, manager, employer, class chairperson, etc.

How would you feel, if you were to be working in a team where your needs are met, and you are recognised for your skills, talents and contributions? How would your team members feel, if you too are able to see their good qualities and able to offer them the recognition they desire/deserve? I believe that in such an environment, your team is bound to produce excellent results and everyone is nurtured and can is 100% committed to making sure the entire project runs well and succeed.

On the other hand, if you are working with a boss that is 100% critical of you. No matter what you do, you are criticised. No matter how much time and effort you put in, you are still not doing enough. And that no matter how many successful projects you complete, you are only remembered for those projects which you have failed in. In such an environment, I am sure that you would feel demoralised and barely have the energy to putting in your best for the work.

Therefore, for any organisation to perform at an optimum level, it is important that each and every team member's language is identified. And when recognitions is due, be awarded SINCERELY (very importantly, sincerely awarded) in the form which the team member would feel most nurtured.

Let's say, you have two group members under your charge.

A's language of love is Words of Affirmation and B's is Present/Gift. In understanding this, you would be a wise leader to award them the appropriate reward to recognise them.

For example, praise A on the wonderful work that he has done, or how his contributions has helped made the project successful. Nurture him through small talks where you can tell him how nice he looks with his tie, or he has good taste in clothes, etc. Remember, these must be done with sincerity. Don't do it as if you have programmed yourself to do so. Sincerity can be sensed, so is Insincerity.

It is important to note that a good leader must be direct and honest when it comes to giving feedback on inappropriate actions or poor performance. BUT, it can still be done properly without condemnation, when it is done through "love".

If A needs a feedback session on his poor performance, you wouldn't want to say, "Look, your past few months' performance is really bad. You better pull up your socks or else, you're fired!" If you were to do that, A would most probably remember these words for a long long time, since his primary language is Words of Affirmation.

Rather, you can do it in a manner where the same message is sent across in a caring and sincere manner. For example, "Hey, I have noticed that your performance at work has been declining. I have seen how you conducted your work before and I know you can do much better. I am worried. Is there something that is bothering you? Would you want to discuss about it at a suitable time so we can see how we can work it out together?" Asking in a genuine manner, and talking to A in such a manner would definitely be a better option, rather than jumping at him for no doing his work.

The same can be done as with other language of love. To give feedback in the different languages, the following is possible:

1) Gifts - a little card with a little message of reminder.
2) A pat on the shoulder to show you are concerned (of course, recommended only when both are of the same sex.)
3) Sitting down at a coffee joint and just chitchating about anything else other than work or project. Talk about that person and be present for that person.
4) Offer to help a little when you know that person is overwhelmed.

The possibilities are endless. While it takes effort (HEY, ALL RELATIONSHIP TAKES EFFORT), but, I am sure you would make the right decision for yourself and those you care about.

I hope that this will prove useful for you in the long term. :)

I think, I would like to leave you with a little phrase I thought of.

"A Little Sincerity and Kindness Goes A Long Way."

Through the language of love, imagine the impact you can make in a person's life. I know it did and still is for me.

Love,
Ken.